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A place for the non-ADHD partners

r/ADHD_partners

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Posted by
S.O. of DX
4 months ago
Moderator of r/ADHD_partners
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3 comments
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Posted by4 days ago
Moderator of r/ADHD_partners
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4 comments
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Posted by
SO of DX - Unmedicated
8 hours ago

外围体育投注Hello friends. I have literally just found this group after sitting up at 3am googling ways to support a partner with severe RSD after what can only be described as a two-hour-long DEBATE with my beloved, where he took the stance 'this house believes I am universally disliked' - and I am now pretty exhausted.

外围体育投注I have been with my partner now almost a decade and we've been friends for significantly longer. He's my best friend in the whole world. He was diagnosed about one and a half years ago and until then I just thought he was a bit scatter-brained. He's fiercely intelligent and a born questioner - given any opportunity to research something he'll snatch it and become an expert.

Unfortunately, since he was diagnosed he's devoured as much content as he can find. Books, YouTube videos, NHS guidelines, historical context everything. He was on the track from diagnosis to medication, but was stopped by a number of health issues and doctors giving him the run around. Then lockdown started and the whole process was stopped.

Since then he's spiralled because he knows he's due to be medicated. But hears nothing from the service who have paused all their appointments. He's been suffering greatly this past month from severe RSD, he quit Facebook all together over a disagreement with a mutual friend and a firm belief that he is only barely tolerated on the platform by our friends. He's always been torn between his reclusive RSD self and his actual outgoing chatty self. But recently I've found I can't talk him around.

We have all the same friends and he's convinced himself that they only put up with him because I'm more outgoing and he's just some troll who they have to include in things. This isn't true. He's got fewer social activities, but he's broadly well liked, often invited to (digital) hangouts and we game regularly with friends.

外围体育投注By now he knows all the tricks. He knows all the things I'm going to say to try and talk him around.

  • I always let him have his space when he needs it.

  • I tell him when his feelings are accurate (the friend who bullied him off FB was in the wrong) and when it's the RSD talking (people do like spending time with him).

  • I try to list hard facts and times when he's been socially accepted and list nice things people say about him.

外围体育投注But he knows all of these methods. He comments on how pathetic it is that he needs people to say 'nice things' about him in order to feel better. Or that he wants people to socialise with him without needing to be prompted - even though traditionally I tend to sort out our communal social activities. I worry that by researching too many coping mechanisms he's now 'wise to the tricks' and expects them from me and also from himself.

I loathe seeing him like this and I want to be able to help him. But more than any ADHD adjacent effect, RSD is the most insidious and hardest to support him through.

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4 comments
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Posted by8 hours ago

外围体育投注Hello. Sorry I’m typing this in anger and frustration. I’ve been married for 2 years now and have been in a relationship for 6 years. I have known from the beginning that my husband had ADHD. But we both did not know how deeply rooted it was involved in most of our issues. My husband struggles to hold down a job/ do well in work. I thought for a very long time he was just a lazy/messy guy. I get frustrated with his lack of help around the house. His hyper focus on hobbies has cost us a lot of money. I also just thought he was just not a very hard worker. We found few ADHD pages that really opened our eyes to how badly his ADHD affects our daily lives. You may ask, “why did you mary him if he had all of those bad qualities”. I did it because right in the midst of a breakup he was always very good at getting better for a short period of time. That’s when our relationship almost feels perfect. But soon after marriage, his ADHD kicked in again full fledge. He is finally trying medication for the first time. It’s not working on him. He’s taking 20mg and nothing is working. He’s angry about it and letting his frustration out on me. In return I am saying hurtful things to him that I know doesn’t make things any better. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m exhausted. I understand it’s hard for him too. But I just feel so depleted and i don’t have the patients for this anymore. This feels impossible. Did you have the same experience? I feel so alone...

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Posted by19 hours ago

So, the title is fairly straight forward - but I’m just unusually depressed. It’s part quarantine blues, part insane workload, and probably part natural chemical imbalance as well. I’m considering medication, but that’s not what this is about.

My partner is as kind as they come, so I know that nothing is truly intentional. However, he still has ADHD with a greater focus on the AD. He is constantly on his phone on either twitter, Reddit, YouTube, and listening to podcasts.

This makes getting his attention to feel like a task, and one that feels humiliating if I fail at it. I feel unwanted and annoying simply because I’ll be talking to him and nothing I say is heard. Of course, if I walk away and cry and he notices, he feels awful...and then I just feel worse for making him feel bad about his disability.

He is getting medicated, and I know it’ll help with work...but in the past, it’s only just made him pay attention the phone even more when it comes to personal life. I’m just not sure what to do (and while I know it’s not his job to make me happy - I’m having a hard time doing it by myself at the moment).

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Posted by18 hours ago

外围体育投注Hello, long time listener, first time poster.

I’ve been with my DX husband for 5 years. He was diagnosed with ADHD and depression around 2 years ago.

He’s never been particularly close with my family, as they don’t really have a lot in common, but they used to get along just fine. But lately it’s become obvious (to me) that they don’t like him or support our relationship anymore. They haven’t outright said it, but I get the feeling they just wish we would divorce.

外围体育投注My husband is really struggling right now. He’s very depressed. As a result, I’m really struggling. We have all the classic problems I read about here - chronic under employment, unfair balance of household chores, hyper focusing on random hobbies. You all know what it’s like.

My other sisters are both married, and my parents favouritism to my other brother-in-laws is so obvious. They’re friendlier, happy to see them, etc. They’re very cold to my husband. My husband is not very helpful when we are hanging out with my family (I know this is a problem, and it’s one I’ve spoken to him about many times), but my mom has started making snide and rude comments. My sister has even “jokingly” called him useless.

It’s hurting my feelings so much. I’m normally quite close to one of my sisters and my mom, but I feel like I can’t talk to them about my problems anymore.

外围体育投注Anybody else in a similar situation?

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Posted by2 days ago

外围体育投注Oh my god I finally found this sub and I’m literally crying reading these posts I relate so much. Been with my partner for 5+ years and have never felt like anyone ever knows what I’m talking about so this has been amazing.

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Posted by2 days ago

外围体育投注Long time lurker here. My husband (38, DX, takes meds sporadically) offered to run a few errands for me yesterday. I do probably 90% of the cleaning and childcare in our household and work full time so I appreciated the offer. He promised that these errands, which would take no more than a couple of hours to do, would be done yesterday.

The end of the day rolls around and he's binge watched TV, spent hours on social media, played video games...but not done the two tasks he'd promised to do. When I asked him what happened, he became snappy and defensive and said that I was nagging him. No explanation or apology.

I'm angry and at a loss. How can I express how harmful this is to our relationship?

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2 comments

About Community

A place to cultivate a positive conversation about living with an ADHD partner. This is where you can share information, tips and tricks for dealing with our ADHD-loved ones, support each other and seek validation, with the intent to improve our relationships. Feedback from people with ADHD is of course welcome too, after all, we share our lives.
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Created Jun 20, 2018

r/adhd_partners Rules

1.
State DX/NDX at the start of your post
2.
Vent/rant posts
3.
No invalidation, no disrespect.

Post guidelines

  • 外围体育投注Keep in mind that some people come here when they're at the end of their breath. Content can be triggering as years of misunderstanding get poured into one post. Here we allow for input from both non-ADHD and ADHD perspective, but in the end this is a safe place for the non-ADHD partner.

  • 外围体育投注No derogatory generalizations

  • Weekly Vent thread外围体育投注 If you want your frustrations out without asking for advice, this is the place to go.

Wiki

Our Wiki is still in the making but you can already find some good resources and references. If you wish to contribute, drop a line to the mods.

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