外围体育投注Hi, I've been following this sub on my main Reddit account but didn't want this post to be tied to it so I made a new account for my involvement in this community.
外围体育投注I (26F) was in a 4+ year relationship with WS (25M). At first, it was an amazing relationship full of love and we were so committed to each other and I think we just "knew" we were going to spend the rest of our lives together (we got a dog together, always talked about our future and marriage and family, etc) but I think that's when complacency in our relationship settled in. We of course had other issues that I think just escalated with both of our different flaws, my insecurities and impulsiveness with anger and his inexperience and emotional immaturity to name a few. In the last year of our relationship it became very toxic and negative.
With all the toxicity, a lot of resentment between us built up over time and eventually exploded. We were in a horrible place but I had decided that I still wanted to make things work, regardless of how impossible it seemed at the time. I knew my SO's heart was barely there but he agreed to make things work with me too.
外围体育投注But us "working to fix things" was blinded by his resentment. He wouldn't talk to me or look at me, it was a painful time. But thats when I found out that during this time he had been talking to another girl. I really do believe there was nothing romantic (on his end), but I'd still say it was an EA because I do think that he was being emotionally intimate with her, opening up to her in ways he would open up to me before but now he was being completely cold and silent to me while constantly texting her. Again, nothing romantic or sexual but maybe it stung even more because of how painful this period of time in our relationship was already for me. I thought he just wanted to be alone and that's why he was ignoring me, but then I felt incredibly betrayed when I found out actually he just wanted to seek attention from her instead.
I felt cheated on and betrayed. He denied it was anything, he kept saying "it's NOTHING" but it was clearly something to me. For other reasons I do believe it was "nothing" in the sense that there was zero romantic interest or physical attraction from him towards her. But the emotional intimacy of him opening up to her (within the first 24 hours of us breaking up, she was the first and only person he told. He also was hiding the fact that they talked) was so painful and I felt so betrayed.
外围体育投注Anyway, it's been almost a year now since that happened. He still talked to her and even hung out with her a couple times (in small group settings) right after we broke up. But a few months after we broke up, he cut off contact with her because he was so disgusted with himself and how that affected me and our relationship (not just romantically but in general since I told him I lost all respect and I was disgusted and we couldn't be in good terms etc) and tried to get back together with me. I was confused and emotionally vulnerable, it was too soon for me to figure out how I felt. I still had deep feelings of anger and betrayal and pain that I hadn't processed yet so I took it out on him. I eventually told him I just needed space for an indefinite amount of time. He said he would wait for me because he wanted to fix things and be with me again.
外围体育投注Now it's been almost a year later and he reached out to me again. He still wants to get back together. He's sacrificed a lot and has also shown a little bit of emotional maturity and growth in our communication. I still cry and feel pain and distrust and doubt and all the negative things. But for some reason I can't completely shut him down, and I think a part of me wants this to work. I know we had our problems and that led us to the point of toxicity and unhealthiness to even get us in that situation. I do think it's possible to fix it and overcome it, and start building a new healthier relationship together.
外围体育投注But I have doubts and worries. I am so afraid of regret - what if it doesn't work out and I "waste" even more time with him? We're also so young...what if we're just being naive?
外围体育投注One major obstacle I'm facing is the shame - not only the shame in feeling cheated on, but the shame in getting back together with my ex. For some reason, I feel like it's embarrassing? I'll let people down? It makes me look weak? Especially if people know he betrayed me in some capacity? I know it shouldn't matter what other people think, but for some reason this has a heavy weight on my decision for what to do. Has anyone felt like this with thinking about staying with WS? How did you cope? How did you come to terms with and accept this new relationship going forward with friends and family and your community?
外围体育投注Sorry for rambling, and if you've read this far thank you so much ❤️
Okay so before I begin my rant- TRIGGER WARNING** I will mention an assault that occurred prior to me meeting my partner** if this goes against any rules I apologize in advance. I’m also being very vulnerable and open, so please do not judge me.
外围体育投注So, I’ve been having a hard time sleeping since Dday. I am constantly having nightmares about his cheating and his ex he cheated on me with. A big part of this is probably because I can’t stop snooping on her social media (I’ve tried so hard but I have very bad OCD and my brain freaks if I block her because I’m worried that blocking her=he will cheat, and I won’t be able to see if she says anything).
外围体育投注As I have posted in here before, I’ve talked to her once and she gave me a timeline of when they hooked up. Since he admitted everything finally and confirmed what she said was true, my brain has been piecing things together.
TRIGGER WARNING- so shortly before I met my partner, I was sexually assaulted multiple times by a man and I ultimately ended up with a STD that I am stuck with forever. I have been very honest and open about this with my partner since we started talking and gave him the opportunity to not be with me, since this is a very big deal and there’s about a 100% chance he would catch this, even with protection (condoms are only 5% effective when it comes to preventing this STD). He told me he was positive I was who he wanted to be with and I was worth the risk of catching this STD and he never planned on being with anyone else, so he was all in with me. We still used protection, but around December of 2018 he thought we should stop (I was on the pill), and I agreed since we were only seeing each other and were planning to get married.
外围体育投注Well, he obviously lied. And around February of 2019 I had a severe outbreak from my STD. It was awful. I was unable to walk for about a month, couldn’t go to bathroom, just absolutely sick from it, and I was having to remember my assault every moment. my doctor even retested me to make sure I didn’t have a more severe version of my STD it was so bad. She also asked me a funny question- “have you had a new partner recently?” I was shocked she would ask that, but I had caught an infection and that’s what had caused my STD outbreak. she explained that typically this infection was brought on from having been with a new partner. I told her no and she said okay. She then suggested I start a daily medication that would reduce my chances of spreading my STD to my partner and eliminate my chances of having another outbreak.
Turns out, when he cheated on me he got an infection from his ex and then passed it on to me, causing me to relive my absolute worst trauma and causing me severe pain and suffering from the outbreak.
I got drunk a few weeks ago and told him this and he just sobbed. It’s been on my mind ever since. To me this is honestly unforgivable. And to make it worse- I feel bad for his ex. I may hate her guts (because she knew about me but still slept with him). But she doesn’t know I have an STD and that he most likely does too and she had been exposed to it.
This whole situation sucks and I’m so angry that I feel bad for her and that I had to suffer through that.
The last few weeks have been great with my partner and he’s suggesting things for us to do together to grow as a couple and to heal and he has been AMAZING. But the dreams and all the things clicking into place that he did when he was cheating are just tearing me up so bad.
Why do WS sometimes act like they did you a favor or it wasn’t that bad based on the fact that they didn’t continue the affair or take it further? In my case, the affair happened while I was pregnant and it was originally emotional because he said “he saw himself in her” because they both come from a troubled past where they were sexually assaulted as kids, and he wanted to “mentor” her, but she steered it sexually and sometimes he’d follow along. They would send nudes, speak sexually, and then she sucked his dick in our car. After confessing (about 3 months postpartum, but 6 months after the affair), he was like “I could’ve ______, but I didn’t.” (have “actual” sex, got her pregnant, etc.), as if that makes it any better. Sometimes I’m so over it, but I guess I’m a chump.
外围体育投注Betrayeds commonly feel a sense of the complete one-sidedness, unfairness, and injustice of the cheating. I have seen therapy advice that explicitly says the betrayed has to let go of those feelings in order for reconciliation to be possible. So my question for betrayeds is whether they explicitly made this choice, or recognize having made the choice in hindsight, and have any reflections on how that choice has worked out for them.
I posted a related question over on r/survivinginfidelity, thinking it might be perceived as anti-reconciliation decided not to post here. But I never intended it as anti-reconciliation. Just as a reflection on what it took to make reconciliation happen.
UPDATE: First of all thanks for all the thoughtful responses. They have made me think that I can clarify. So let me clarify by giving an example
So far in our discernment counseling, my WS has only accepted responsibility for behavior for which there is definitive, black and white, no doubt about it proof. There are many cases however where the proof is not irrefutable but far exceeds beyond reasonable doubt type standards. In those cases she has not accepted responsibility. We had one such case in counseling yesterday.
外围体育投注Back and forth we went (very calm and non-shaming or blaming any of that) — and repeatedly she just said she could not admit because it was something she had believed for such a long time that she had not done, and doing it would have been another level of betrayal. In short, she couldn’t admit it because it was too much in conflict with her self-image.
外围体育投注Now — she has accepted responsibility for a lot. And she is the one really pushing for reconciliation at this point. (I am respecting that desire and seeing if there is a way to make it work.). I could easily say I should cut her some slack at this point because of everything she has done. But I can’t. I need her to fully own her actions and choices. If she can be honest with herself above all about what she did, I think she will then be in a position to express genuine remorse and regret, and we can consider a way forward. I have had really extraordinary patience with this process — it really started about a year ago, and there was a lot of counseling and all that occurred before that.
外围体育投注Perhaps the example will clarify — I’m not anti reconciliation at all. I’m not blaming or shaming or brow beating my WS at all. And I acknowledge that it would be legitimate to let go at this point and move on toward reconciliation. Some of you have acknowledged doing that, with a little bit of varying results from what I’ve seen but definitely some are content with that choice. So I’m not saying it’s a wrong choice. I was mainly curious if you recognize you did that and what you thought about it in retrospect.
外围体育投注Secondarily, I wanted to defend the position that it’s ok to stick with it and insist on a full accounting as part of reconciliation. And not buy into psycho speak like “understanding the complex conditions that lead to affairs.” That is wonderful and needed for the WS. But for the BS I think it’s fine to draw the line and say — complex conditions set some things in motion but it was deliberate conscious choices that crossed the moral line. And that’s what I need dealt with for my recovery as a BS.
外围体育投注Working it out